What is People Pleasing?
How to Recognize People Pleasing and What to do about it.
About People PLeasing. Photo by Mocno Fotografia on Unsplash.
Maybe you already know what people pleasing is, but you’re not sure why it happens or how to stop it. Or maybe you have a friend or a family member who is constantly apologizing or exhausted by their never-ending obligations. Whatever your motivation may be to learn more about this phenomenon, you’re in the right place!
What Is a People Pleaser?
A people pleaser is someone who wants everyone around them to be happy and to avoid any kind of conflict. They are unusually kind and accommodating and are helpful to the point of being self-sacrificing. They don’t know when to say no, and struggle with setting boundaries. There are some similarities with co-dependence, though they are not the same.
I’ve worked with many people pleasers in my private practice. Despite how common it is, people don’t always recognize it within themselves. Sometimes, these people come to therapy for another reason entirely, not realizing that this is a pattern they’ve been struggling with for a long time.
My experience working with these individuals has been really pleasant. And of course it has been! People pleasers are generally really nice and easy to work with, to their detriment. That’s the problem, they often struggle to assert themselves, even in their own therapy.
Like any coping mechanism, there are ways to move beyond it. Here are some signs of people pleasing:
10 Signs You May be a People Pleaser:
1. You are overly apologetic. Even for things that have nothing to do with them.
2. You have a lot of trouble saying “No.”
3. You feel responsible or guilty about other people’s feelings or hardships.
4. You are overly accommodating to the point of being taken advantage of at times.
5. You often volunteer to take on extra work or “help out.”
6. You have trouble setting a boundary and sticking with it.
7. You have a really strong work ethic, often to the point of perfectionism.
8. Sometimes you struggle to know what you really want for yourself.
9. You avoid conflict or other people’s anger at all costs.
10. You often feel overwhelmed or burdened with all the things you have to do.
Why Does This Happen?
There are a few reasons this develops. Some people have a more agreeable temperament to begin with, which can predispose them to becoming a people pleaser. However, that alone doesn’t account for it completely. There are also often self-esteem issues and certain patterns of upbringing that can contribute to this pattern. Such as...
1) Having an Overbearing Care Giver or Parent.
A child whose caregivers are dominating and have an unusual investment in their child’s lives. For example, parents who have exceedingly high expectations of their kids and push them to succeed above all else. Their successes then become a measure of love or praise, at the expense of their own personal development.
2) Limited Emotional Nurturing.
This can happen when a parent’s emotional resources are all tapped out. They may have their own unresolved emotional challenges, or are struggling to make ends meet, which then overshadows their children’s challenges. In order to get love, the child learns to suppress their own emotions in favor of their care givers’.
3) Authoritarian Care Givers.
This parenting style is generally quite harsh. The parent is always right, and no one can express a contrary opinion. A child in this environment learns not to make waves or upset anyone because this could cause harsh treatment. Again, they suppress their own emotional needs in favor of keeping their caregivers happy.
4) A History of Maltreatment or Trauma.
Similar to fight, flight, or freeze; another trauma response is called fawn. This is where individuals will do whatever they can to “keep the peace” in order to avoid conflict or anger, because of unusually harsh treatment if they didn’t as kids. Similar to the authoritarian parent, but to the point of abuse. Take a look here to learn more about Fawning.
5) Specific Groups of People
It’s important to note, also, that people pleasing is not only the result of bad parenting, and it often shows up in specific groups of people as well. For example, women are much more prone to people pleasing as they are generally socialized to be “good girls and women,” which translates to being agreeable and self-sacrificing.
Immigrants or children of immigrants (first generation) can also struggle with this phenomenon as they are often in the difficult position of navigating a new culture by themselves or on behalf of their parents. In the case where their parents or caregivers do not speak the language, they then become translators/ overly helpful at a very young age. Although this isn’t abuse, it can create a powerful sense of duty in the child that sometimes turns into self-sacrificing to the point of codependence in adulthood.
What You Can Do About it:
1. Start small. Pause or buy yourself some time before saying yes to someone. You can do this by saying “I’ll have to get back to you on that,” or “I’d like to, but I have to check on a few other commitments first.”
2. Then, ask yourself if this is something that you absolutely need to do, or if you’re mostly doing this out of guilt.
3. Start bringing awareness to moments where you feel resentment, guilty, or being taken advantage of. Try to suspend any judgements about yourself here.
4. This one is a little more advanced, but desensitize yourself to saying “No,” and start setting boundaries with people. It can be helpful to have a little extra support on this one, either from a trusted confidant or a therapist.
5. Learn more about Fawn response here and here.
6. Last, but not least, you can work through this with the help of a therapist.
Summing it up!
People pleasing is not uncommon, and it often has roots in challenging family dynamics where adults learned to suppress their own emotions and needs as children. As a group, women and immigrants or children of immigrants can struggle with people pleasing due to societal expectations.
The way to combat this is multifaceted, and not only involves learning to say no, but healing the underlying issues that caused it in the first place. Have hope, self-compassion, and seek out help on your journey to becoming a former people pleaser! It is possible to be nice and have boundaries at the same time :)
The contents of this blog are for informational purposes only. This blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment that can be provided by your own mental health practitioner. If you have any specific concerns about your mental health, you should consult your doctor and you should not delay seeking medical advice, or treatment for your mental health, because of information on this blog.
© Counseling Works NYC
Sabrina Tropper, LMHC
Sabrina Tropper, LMHC is a therapist and the founder of Counseling Works NYC. She works with individuals in New York who are experiencing relationship troubles, life transitions, or trauma.