How Do You Know When A Therapist Is Bad For You?
Not all therapists are good listeners…
If only you could rest assured that someone with a fancy degree and license to practice psychotherapy is a good and trustworthy therapist. It would be nice if those credentials indicate a level of empathy that you would expect from someone who spends their time helping people feel better.
Unfortunately, just like any other profession, not all therapists are equally skilled or effective. In fact, some are not very helpful at all. Just because an individual’s chosen occupation involves compassion, does not guarantee that they themselves are compassionate individuals.
In reality, there are many exceptional therapists out there who do really improve the lives of their patients. But there are just as many who are not as skilled, and unfortunately, some who actually do more harm than good. Because of this, it is incredibly important to be an informed consumer when looking for a therapist. Trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t ignore it. Move on to someone else.
Below is a general guide for what to look out for in a therapist. From the first email or phone call to after you’ve been working together for years; it’s never a bad idea to reexamine or question your treatment.
Signs that you should find a new therapist:
1) The therapist often - or always - relates what you’re saying back to themselves.
2) Similar to above, they talk about themselves a LOT.
3) You feel judged or belittled in any way.
4) Some of their decisions seem inappropriate, and quite possibly, unethical.
5) They don’t really seem to be listening to you.
6) They almost never talk at all or give any kind of feedback, whatsoever.
7) They look at their phones often or answer calls during your session.
8) You feel guilted into staying in therapy with them when you’d rather not.
9) They strongly ‘suggest’ what you should be feeling and thinking rather than helping you figure it out for yourself.
10) You find yourself in an argument with them about a personal viewpoint that you expressed.
11) It feels like they are pushing their own agenda.
12) They say they specialize in treating a certain issue – in which specialized training is required - but they don’t have it.
13) They seem to care a little too much, reacting dramatically to something you said or experienced.
14) You find yourself reassuring them, minimizing your concerns in the process.
15) You often feel like you are taking care of their emotions in session.
16) This goes without saying, but... Inappropriate comments, touching, or sexualized behavior of ANY kind.
17) You feel invalidated, your experiences are minimized or you are made to feel like you are exaggerating in some way.
18) They get defensive when you bring up something that happened in the session that upset you.
19) If they mess up, they do not apologize or take responsibility in a genuine way.
20) They are more concerned with being ‘right’ than with helping you find what is right for you.
Why Does this Happen?
“Why is this list so long? I don’t want to have to deal with this when finding a therapist is hard enough.”
1) One reason is Inexperience. Not every therapist who is inadequate is inherently bad all around. Some weren’t sufficiently prepared in school or during their clinical placements, so they lack the experience and/or confidence to really be effective. This doesn’t mean that they are unfit to be in the field. They just aren’t necessarily great therapists yet. Given more time and experience, these people usually do improve and may also help a few people along the way. But if you feel like you aren’t getting what you need from them, then it’s best to move onto someone with more experience.
2) A lot of therapists are wounded healers who haven’t worked through their own issues and can’t separate out what’s theirs from what’s yours. That’s not to say that a ‘good’ therapist doesn’t have any baggage; as humans, they most certainly do. But a large majority are initially motivated to become therapists by their own personal struggles. This can actually make them very good at what they do. Unfortunately, there is a subset of individuals who have not worked through their issues adequately enough to be able to help you. This is not intentional or malicious. But it is still a problem that could negatively impact you. Even if this type of therapist is kind and caring, they may not be the best therapist for you.
3) Lacking in Compassion. Some therapists are actually not especially compassionate individuals. These types are often difficult to disagree with and are unwilling to listen to alternative viewpoints. They may believe they are exceptionally qualified, while having very little self-awareness – an essential part of being an effective therapist. These are the ones who minimize your experiences, invalidate your feelings, and offer - at best - misguided solutions to your problems. They might be intense or cold and aloof. Oftentimes, they are more interested in being ‘right’ than in being helpful. They may also have rigid ideas about gender, race or cultures, effectively lacking in cultural competence. These are the ones you should stay away from.
4) Completely Lacking Empathy. Although rare but thoroughly disturbing, are the people who are attracted to the profession primarily to gain authority and influence over others. These people are motivated primarily by power. They are interested in using their knowledge about human behavior to manipulate and control others. They tend to be high in Machiavellian traits which are often linked with Narcissism and Sociopathy. You’ll find them in non-profits, university centers, clinics, private practices and anywhere they can acquire some level of power and prestige. These individuals are generally in the minority, but they can still be found working in places that you wouldn’t expect them to be. They can be charming which makes them hard to identify, and are capable of doing real damage.
What You Can Do About It:
Keep in mind that the practice of psychotherapy is a legally protected profession with well-defined standards that are regulated both at the state level and nationwide. This means that, at the very least, you can check to see if a therapist is who they say they are, and if their license is in good standing. You can also check to see if they have any disciplinary actions against them.
In order to verify that a therapist is licensed, take a look at their state licensing board online. To do this, google the governing organization that deals with granting and renewing professional licenses in your state. In New York State, it’s the Office of the Professions. They have a lookup tool here that will verify any licensed professional’s credentials. You can find out whether their license is in good standing, if it has lapsed, or if there are any disciplinary actions against them. It’s free to the public. All you need is the therapist’s full name and their title, such as: psychologist, social worker, mental health counselor, etc.
Check out their background online and find out what areas they specialize in, what their interests are and trainings they have completed or where they went to school. This information can sometimes be found in a therapist’s biography or ‘about me’ section on their website. Take a look at previous places they have worked (e.g., in a community clinic or private practice) and how long they’ve been working as a therapist. Try to have a conversation on the phone with them to see what it’s like to talk to them.
Most importantly, evaluate how you feel when you interact with a new, or current, therapist. Do they make you feel comfortable and at ease, or are they cold and distant? Do they seem to be telling you what to do rather than guiding you? Are they very sweet but seemingly fragile making you worry about their own wellbeing? Or maybe something just feels ‘off’, and you can’t quite put your finger on it?
The bottom line is: if it doesn’t feel right, it’s probably not right. This generally applies to other areas in life as well. As the saying goes, there are plenty of other ‘fish in the sea’ when it comes to therapists, even if this one happens to be in-network with your insurance. It’s worth the time and effort to find someone who is truly qualified and can give you the quality care that you deserve!
**If you have experienced any kind of maltreatment or harm by a therapist, you should absolutely stop meeting with them and cut off all contact. If you are able to and you feel up for it, you can also contact their state licensing board and report their behavior. This type of treatment is never acceptable, and a report could help protect others from harm in the future.
The contents of this blog are for informational purposes only. This blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment that can be provided by your own mental health practitioner. If you have any specific concerns about your mental health, you should consult your doctor and you should not delay seeking medical advice, or treatment for your mental health, because of information on this blog.
© Counseling Works NYC
Sabrina Tropper, LMHC
Sabrina Tropper, LMHC is a therapist and the founder of Counseling Works NYC. She works with individuals in New York who are experiencing relationship troubles, life transitions, or trauma.
Finding a therapist shouldn’t be rocket science. There are a few things to consider when looking for someone you can trust with your mind, and it starts with your preferences.