Anxiety Series: Part 3. A day in the life of an anxious mind.
A look into what anxiety is like for those who love someone with anxiety.
People who are anxious tend to either ruminate about their perceived missteps or they get stuck on potential worst-case scenarios, wondering, “what if XYZ happens...?”. Consequently, staying in the present moment is often out of reach to them, without some guidance. From the outside, this can appear like a frantic attempt to prevent the catastrophe they believe, from the bottom of their upset stomachs, is inevitable and only a matter of time; practically speaking. To break this down a little further, take a look below.
1. Inevitable Catastrophe
Meaning: The threat feels VERY real, and there’s no stopping it. They will likely struggle to accept a more realistic or balanced perspective. Emotions: scared or terrified, hopeless, fear, dread. Body: Pit in stomach, heart racing, shallow breathing, tight muscles or body parts, eyes darting around the room, their posture may be ‘bracing for impact’. Operating assumption: “The worst is coming,” and, “There’s nothing I can do about it.”
2. Frantic Attempt to Prevent the Worst
Meaning: although they may feel it’s inevitable (see above), they are also driven to try to ‘fix’ or ‘solve’ it by way of controlling it. Emotions: Fear, sense of urgency, impatience, maybe anger or irritation. Body: high energy (not manic energy), headache and/or muscle aches, random pain, clenched jaw/teeth grinding, tense shoulders and neck, rigid posture. Operating assumption: “If I don’t do it, no one will,” or “If I plan enough, I can prevent this from happening.”
3. Anxiety Causes a Future Focus
Meaning: they are constantly asking ‘what if’, and planning for the other ‘shoe to drop’, even if things are going well. Emotions: Distress, fear, worry, sense of urgency. Body: shallow breathing, gradual or chronic muscle stiffness or aches, may be fidgety. Operating assumption: “Just because things are OK now doesn’t mean I can just relax about the future,” or “It’s just a matter of time...”.
Notice any patterns here? There is generally a sense of dread, defeat, hopelessness, and a limited ability to consider other potentially safer alternatives; much less appreciate the present moment. They can be so driven by a feared consequence that they develop tunnel vision and any evidence presented to the contrary hardly makes a dent. They believe things are ‘bad’.
What can you do about it?
First, and I say this lovingly, therapy can help. Second, as their friend, lover, family member, etc., give them lots of love. Validate their feelings, even if you think they’re being irrational. Don’t argue with them, it won’t work. Instead, try offering alternative perspectives (e.g., Is it possible that...?). Finally, offer to help take their mind off it and do something physically active together like going for a walk or a hike to distract them. You may not be able to get rid of their distress, but just being a calm, solid presence can go a long way. And again, therapy can be really helpful, as well as meditation programs designed to address anxiety.
Sabrina Tropper, LMHC
Sabrina Tropper, LMHC is a therapist and the founder of Counseling Works NYC. She works with individuals in New York who are experiencing relationship troubles, life transitions, or trauma.